THURSDAY
This bright and sunny Thursday brought Bo Abobo and I to the southern part of town, the rundown and poor part of Neo City. The neighborhood was rough, with lots of crime, rundown and impoverished houses, tough residents, and also the home of my bitter rival, Bo Abobo himself. I was not looking forward to this day, as I knew this would be my most challenging day as a paperboy. As I stood before Poverty Street, I pulled a newspaper from my satchel to read Thursday’s headlines. As I expected, the top headline read “Hero paperboy saves runaway baby” and featured the picture of me being held up on the shoulders of the proud onlookers who witnessed my heroic act. I couldn’t help but smile that I had made the front page of the local paper just one day after Bo Abobo. Other headlines of the day included “Master Higgins completes marathon of Pacific Rim islands. Dead tired from so much running,” “Toki transformed into ape. Witch doctor refuses to reverse curse,” “Chef Boyar-Bimmy wins 10th annual Hyrule Bake-Off,” and “Palamedes tournament gets underway with 16 competitors.” Just as I finished reading the paper I had in my hands, I felt a hard clap on my back, which almost knocked me to the ground. I turned around and found Bo Abobo standing behind me, an angry scowl on his face. “That wasn’t cool what you did yesterday” the chubby bully said as he grabbed me by the front of the shirt. “I’m supposed to be the hero around town, not you. Don’t do it again. You save the heroic acts for ME.” Without thinking twice, I pushed Bo Abobo away as hard as I could. He immediately let go of my shirt and staggered backward a couple steps with a shocked look on his face. I could tell he was not used to being pushed around. “Put your hands on me again and next time they’ll be in a cast” I shouted to him as I huffed and puffed nervously. I could scarcely believe I was threatening the toughest bully in town. The look of shock remained on his face for what seemed like minutes and then eventually broke out into a smile as he laughed evilly. “You? Beat me up? I would like to see you try” Bo Abobo laughed as he cracked his knuckles and started walking toward me with clenched fists. I started backing up, unsure of where I was going to retreat to, but I knew I needed to get away from him before I got clobbered. I wasn’t ready for a fight, not today. As Bo Abobo closed in on me, we both noticed a cop car slowly roll by the intersection, the police officer inside watching us closely. At that point, Bo Abobo backed off and moved toward his bike. “You’re lucky a cop drove by, wimp” Bo Abobo replied in a nasty tone. “Next time, I’m gonna kick your ass. Just remember that. Oh, and you better watch your back today.” As he rode off down Poverty Lane, I shouted to him “Yeah, well I guess we’ll see about that.” He didn’t respond to my half-hearted threat and just continued to ride on. I hopped back on my bike, readjusted my satchel, and headed off to deliver papers.
Just as I expected, my route that day was a doozy. The first subscriber I came to lived in a castle, and this wasn’t just any castle. This one belonged to the King of Koopas himself, Bowser! And let me tell you, the outside was definitely just as dangerous as the inside is in all those Super Mario games we have played! Bowser had cannons mounted every 10 feet or so and they were firing like wild that morning. There were even fireballs spewing out of cracks in the castle walls along with the occasional Bullet Bill. Getting through all of this was going to require a lot of skill. I stood there for a moment getting the timing down, and right when I figured it out, I made my move. Just as I dodged the first set of cannonballs and fireballs, Bowser suddenly appeared at the top of the castle. He laughed maniacally and began breathing fire my way! Just in the nick of time, I dropped my bike to the ground and skidded under the plume of flame. I certainly scratched the hell out of my bike, but I now had a cool story to tell! I hopped back up on both wheels as soon as the fire stopped and reached for a paper. At this point in time, I had screwed up my timing and a giant Bullet Bill was headed my way! I chucked a paper at it, and to my surprise, it deflected the Bullet Bill away from me! It turned in the direction I was facing and took out every last cannonball being shot from the castle, paving a clear road for me. Bowser thumped his fists in frustration at my escape and suddenly jumped down from the castle onto the drawbridge with a thundering crash. It looked like he wasn’t going to let me get away that easily! As he started to run across the bridge, I quickly grabbed a paper from my satchel and heaved it toward him, hoping I could slow him down somehow. I ended up missing Bowser by a mile, but hit an ornamental axe hanging from the front of the castle. It tumbled from its perch and sliced right through the chains on the drawbridge like a hot knife through butter. The bridge quickly collapsed into the moat along with Bowser himself! He howled in disappointment as he landed in the water below him, sputtering loudly as he struggled to keep afloat. I laughed loudly at the spectacle and continued on down the road, realizing that the Bullet Bill that protected me just moments before was still moving forward. It suddenly crashed into one of those expensive 6000 SUX sports cars (you know, the ones that drive really fast but get real shitty gas mileage) and completely destroyed it. As I rode by the wreck, the owner of the car emerged from his house. Based on the way he was dressed, I could tell he was a member of the Mad Gear Gang, a violent gang from this side of town. His eyes bugged out of his head when he saw the destruction and ran quickly toward what was left of the car. He dropped down on his knees and started crying, exclaiming loudly “Oh, my car!” I hurried away from the scene before he could have a chance to realize I was the one responsible for destroying his car.
When I finally caught up to Bo Abobo, he had already delivered to a handful of Neo City’s toughest ruffians, including Belger, the leader of the Mad Gear Gang, the mysterious and evil Jacquio, the nefarious Dr. Robotnik, the always scheming and ever malevolent Kefka, the crafty and sly Revolver Ocelot, and the bratty, yet rich, Montana Max. As I threw a newspaper onto the doorstep of Gannon’s Dark Palace, I could see Bo Abobo glaring at me from across the street. “What are you looking at, Bo ADOBO” I shouted at him as I felt myself getting bolder and bolder. I was starting to not fear the giant bully anymore and knew that one day we would come to blows with one another. “Someone who is about to get pummeled” he retorted back as he started to laugh evilly. Suddenly he sped ahead on the tiny bike of his and faster than I had ever seen him ride. I was confused by what he meant and continued on up the road, oblivious as what I was about to run into. Before too long I came across what appeared to be a kid’s fort of some sort. It was made from what appeared to be scrap pieces of lumber and spanned an entire lot on Poverty Street. It happened to be your typical kid’s fort: small little building where the kids would play Pirates or something of that nature with crudely cut windows, a tree with a small fort that was only accessible from small pieces of wood nailed into the tree itself, and several walls from which kids could throw water balloons and still be safe from the people they were assaulting. As I rode by, I noticed quick movement from inside the fort, and within moments, I realized what Bo Abobo meant. Suddenly, a trap door on the ceiling of the biggest building flung open and Bo Abobo’s best friend Burnov emerged with a big smile on his face. At the same time, I noticed more bullies popping up from hiding spots from within the fort. Abore showed himself from the tree fort and Andore Jr. and Paco Loco popped up from behind the walls attached to the main building. “Get him, guys” I heard Burnov shout as the bullies rained rocks down on me. I wiped out on my bike as the stinging stones pelted me in the arms, legs, chest, and back as bruises and scratches appeared on my body and blood ran from open cuts. The bullies all laughed heartily as I lay prone on the road, stones pelting all parts of my body as I attempted to protect myself. Seeing no way out of this cruel and unusual torture, I reached for a nearby stone and hurled it toward my attackers. I hit Burnov square in the nose, causing him to yelp in pain and tumble back into the fort, the trap door banging loudly on the roof as he disappeared from view. I hurled another one toward Abore, hitting him in the shoulder and causing him to recoil in pain. I tossed more rocks toward Andore Jr. and Paco Loco, causing them to take cover behind their walls. I managed to buy myself enough time to scoop up my bike off the ground, hop on, and ride away. More stones rained down on the pavement as I pedaled away quickly, but luckily I was far enough away to keep from getting hit. I could hear the bullies laughing behind me as an angry look spread across my face. Bo Abobo would pay dearly for having his friends ambush me this way. And he would certainly pay before the end of the week. In fact, he was going to pay today whether he liked it or not!
I caught up to Bo Abobo a couple blocks ahead, but at this point, we were almost done with our route for the day. I had a rock concealed in my newspaper satchel and I was ready to pelt the ugly bully with it. As I got closer to him, the anger in my body swelled to an all-time high and I jammed my hand into the satchel and closed it around the rock. The coolness of it actually felt good against my hot skin as I gripped it tightly. I didn’t care if I lost the paperboy job at this point, I just wanted to get revenge…and you guys know how I go on about revenge! And I was ready to get it! As I closed in on Bo Abobo and my eyes narrowed, I removed my clenched hand from the satchel and readied myself to hit him in the ugly face. As he approached his final house, I suddenly chickened out and quickly placed the rock back in my satchel. Bo Abobo’s final delivery for the day was his own house…and his parents were standing outside waiting to greet him! Talk about your white trash house…garbage all over the yard, dirty walls, cracked windows, bent TV antenna, holes in the chain-link fence surrounding the yard, broken down car in the front yard, it was all there. A giant bulldog sat in the front yard chained up to the front of the house, drooling all over the ground as he stood guard of his domain. He barked angrily at me as I rode up the street. At this point I just didn’t have the heart to hurt Bo Abobo right in front of his mom and dad. Speaking of his mom and dad, you know how people say that kids look just like their parents…well Bo Abobo sure did! His dad, Bolo, was standing there shirtless in white sweat pants, the same ugly look on his face as his son. Except Bolo had a lot of hair, whereas, Bo Abobo was clean shaven. And holy crap, Bo Abobo’s mother, Abobina! Man was she ever UGLY! I have never seen such an ugly woman in all my life! She looked so much like her son, except she had long brown hair and wore a flowing pink dress. Words cannot describe the ugliness of Bo Abobo’s parents! I mean, just look at these two!
As I gazed in awe at the hideousness of the Abobo family, Bo Abobo waved proudly to his parents. They both waved back, smiles spreading across their ghastly faces. “Hello, son” Abobina shouted in a husky, yet feminine voice. “We are so proud of you right now. You look so grown up!” “Thanks, mom” Bo Abobo replied happily as he continued to wave to his parents. “Oh, my son, the paperboy hero who stopped the robbers on Tuesday” Abobina replied as she wiped tears from hers eyes. “Son” Bolo shouted as he motioned to Bo Abobo. “Why don’t you show us how good you are. Throw us a newspaper. Show that wimpy rival of yours over there that you’re better than him.” Bo Abobo turned toward me, an evil grin on his face as he wiggled his eyebrows. “Watch this, wimp” he taunted as he reached into his satchel for a paper. Bo Abobo heaved a newspaper toward his parents and, in typical Bo Abobo style, he missed by a mile. The paper soared through the air and landed right on the hookup on the house for their dog. The chain snapped with ease and soon the dog was tearing through the yard at full speed. Bo Abobo’s parents threw their hands up to their faces in utter shock as the dog ran through a hole in the fence surrounding their yard. Bo Abobo immediately jumped off his bike, letting it crash to the ground noisily. “Spike McFang, come back” the fat bully shouted as the dog escaped the Abobo yard and ran up the street. The chubby bully gave chase as his parents scrambled inside to grab a leash. As Bo Abobo and his dog disappeared over the horizon, I laughed loudly to myself. I may not have gotten personal revenge on my rival, but this was certainly good enough for the time being.
Back at the newspaper office, Bo Abobo and I sat before Big Boss’ desk waiting for another evaluation. As was customary with our boss, he had a lit cigar in his mouth and was puffing away on it heartily. “Bimmy” our boss said to me as he took a deep puff on his cigar and blew a couple smoke rings. “You are still delivering at a good rate and have added 30 new subscribers to our paper so far this week. Good job.” At this point, I didn’t even bother trying to correct him on the mispronunciation of my name. If he wasn’t going to get it right at this point, he wasn’t going to get it right at all. “Thank you, sir” I answered as I sighed in disappointment at the mispronunciation of my name. “And as for you, Bo” Big Boss growled as he turned toward my rival. “What in the HELL were you thinking chasing a dog around the Poverty Lane neighborhood today. You’re here to deliver newspapers, not catch DOGS. If you want to catch dogs, go get a job at the POUND!” Bo Abobo could only babble like a baby. He was so taken aback by Big Boss’ words that he couldn’t even form a clear sentence. “But, sir” he finally spit forth from his mouth. “It was MY dog and all and I didn’t want him to get hit by a car and all. Plus, he’s not fixed and I didn’t want him to…” “I don’t care if he’s the dog of the President of the United States and he has been kidnapped by NINJAS” Big Boss screamed as his cigar leaped from his mouth and onto the desk. “You deliver NEWSPAPERS and you do not catch DOGS! Do I make myself clear.” “Yeah, but…” Bo Abobo sputtered as tears started to form at the corners of his eyes. “DO…I…MAKE…MY…SELF…CLEAR” Big Boss screamed loudly as his face turned beet red and a vein started to bulge from his forehead. “Y-y-y-yes, s-s-sir” Bo Abobo said nervously to the angry man in front of him. Big Boss picked up his cigar off the desk and placed it firmly between his teeth, taking two big puffs in the process. “Good” he answered as he blew smoke in the air. “Now both of you get out of my office. I will see you tomorrow.” Bo Abobo and I both jumped up quickly and exited the editor’s office before Big Boss could scream at us again. I stopped short in the hallway as Bo Abobo walked on slowly, his shoulders sagging with a heavy sadness as he trudged along. I felt sorry for the bully for getting yelled at, but I couldn’t help but smile as he slowly exited the building. It was clear Big Boss was starting to show disdain toward Bo Abobo for his lack of effort over the last couple days and that favor was starting to slide my way. I felt way better about myself than I did on Wednesday morning as I left the newspaper office with a huge amount of pride. Before too long, Friday morning would be here and the trial run for the paperboy job would be just days from coming to a close. It would be that morning where some of the craziest hijinks would occur and actually put the job in jeopardy for both of us.
.png)
