Okay everyone, the moment you all have been waiting for (or maybe not
). The epic conclusion to Q-Bert's encounter with Red Falcon. How will it all end? Read on to find out!
Hey everyone, it’s me, Bimm-Bert Bartholomew Bertram Barnaby…or Bimm-Bert if you like that better…or B-Bert if you think that’s easier to say. Just please don’t call me Dimm-Bert. Anyway, I really want to thank you all for helping Q-Bert solve all of Red Falcon’s puzzles, saving the world from total annihilation, and saving humanity from cruel and horrible enslavement. Even though they have picked on us something horrible since moving to Neo City, I am also grateful that you all rescued Coily and his friends from the clutches of the evil Red Falcon. A lot has happened since you and Q-Bert saved the universe, so let’s get right down to it:
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The moment Q-Bert sprung right back through that portal with Coily and crew, Red Falcon was mighty pissed. He screamed “NOOOOO!” louder than Darth Vader did at the end of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. At this point, Red Falcon showed his true form, this hideous red-faced, demon-looking behemoth of a creature, as he rushed forward toward the portal, an evil determination in the way he sped through the emptiness of his universe. “No one has ever beaten me! And no one will ever beat me” he roared angrily as the walls in the classroom began to shake and the lights began to dim. “Your universe will suffer the consequences of my defeat. Prepare for an eternity of suffering and pain!” With Red Falcon just a few steps from entering our world, Q-Bert and Coily remixed all the chemicals that caused the portal to open. With a loud POOF and a cloud of smoke, the dimensional gateway closed just moments before Red Falcon could enter our universe. His agonizing shriek could be heard for just a short moment before it echoed away into nothingness. As Q-Bert and Coily sat on the floor next to each other, all the students in the classroom began to clap and cheer. Smiles spread across both their faces as they both turned to face each other. Before I knew what was happening, Q-Bert and Coily embraced each other like long-lost brothers. They had both saved the universe and the entire planet from alien enslavement. As the celebration continued, I glanced over my shoulder when I heard talking on the other side of the classroom. Rash had been successful in resuscitating Jerms and now Jerms was sitting up straight and breathing heavily as if Red Falcon were still threatening our very existence. “Do…do hotdogs…still…exist” Jerms asked Rash as he gasped for breath. “Of course they do” Rash replied happily. “Of course they do. Eat as many hotdogs as you want.” Jerms’ face lit up like a Christmas tree. I had never seen him so happy since the day I walked into Neo City High School. “Just remember” Rash said to Jerms. “Don’t eat too many hotdogs.” Jerms was in such complete ecstasy over the fact that hotdogs hadn’t been eradicated that he didn’t even realize the celebration going on. With a giant smile on his face, he once again passed out, content that he could eat hotdogs whenever he wanted.
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Even though he saved the universe from total destruction, Q-Bert was unsuccessful in winning the heart of Marian. She and Billy Lee are so in love with each other that I swear one day the two of them will get married. You know, till death do us part…although, I have this horrible feeling that one day Marian will die suddenly and Billy will want to seek revenge. He always talks about how he likes to get revenge. Oh, I did hear Marian complaining the other day that Billy Lee spends too much time playing video games and that he stained her father’s coffee table by not using a coaster. But don’t let that fool you. She just got a dragon tramp stamp tattoo the other day with Billy’s name in the center. Now that’s true love! Anyway, I think it’s worthy to note that Q-Bert was able to get a date with one of the girls at the high school. Now before you all get too excited or happy for him, he did not get a date with one of the cheerleaders or one of the popular girls in school. Next Friday night, he is going to the movies with Athena (you know, the star of that crappy SNK game on the NES). Yeah, she may have headgear braces, enough acne on her face to play connect-the-dots, glasses big enough to be classified as a magnifying glass, and may be the best chess player since Bobby Fischer, but as long as my brother is happy, then I’m happy. Although, he could do so much better. I mean, yeah, she is a big geek, but I know he could now score a date with the likes of Chun Li, Sonya Blade, or even Aeris. For the record, he asked Cammy on a date (you know, the one from the Street Fighter games), but she said she had the hots for someone else (the rumor is that it’s the biggest player in the school, Leisure-Suit Larry). Well, at least Q-Bert is getting some action. Unlike poor Bimm-Bert over here…
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Well, because of his heroics, Q-Bert and I are no longer two of the biggest nerds in Neo City High School (that distinction now goes to Lester the Unlikely and Hal “Otacon” Emmerich). Q-Bert and I are no longer called names like Dumb Butt, Queer Bag, or Queer Bait (I still get called Dimm-Bert on occasion). Billy Lee treats me with a whole lot more respect and I’m actually his math tutor now. Coily and crew no longer tease us and actually let us sit with them at lunch now. And Q-Bert and I have even helped them play a few pranks on some of our classmates. Like the other day when we threw a stink bomb in Lester’s locker and dropped a cherry bomb in one of the toilets just moments before Otacon ran in there to drop a deuce. I’ve never seen Coily and his buddies laugh so hard in my life when Otacon came out of the stall soaked head to toe with toilet water.
With our new-found popularity at Neo City High School, Q-Bert and I thought we could finally put all the teasing and bullying behind us…until just the other day. You see, we got this new student who just moved to Neo City and his name is Bo Abobo and he decided right away that he was going to pick on us. He became instant friends with some of the other tough guys at school, like Burnov, Andore Jr., and Paco Loco. Bo Abobo does things like steal my homework, takes Q-Bert’s lunch money, gives me swirlies in the bathroom, and trips Q-Bert in the hallway whenever they pass each other (to which Q-Bert promptly says !#?@!). And no one tries to stand up to Bo Abobo and his goons at all because…well…they’re huge! I mean just look at the size of these guys:
So the other day I’m getting my math book from my locker when the door suddenly slams shut in my face. Sure enough, it was Bo Abobo and his lunkhead friends. I tried to go around them, but they just blocked my path. “What do you want Bo” I said quietly, hoping he would answer me quickly and go away. “Give me your science homework, Dimm-Bert” Bo replied gruffly as he grabbed my chemistry binder out of my hands. I tried to reach out and take it back from him but Androre Jr. grabbed me by the front of my shirt and slammed me against the lockers, holding me in place as Bo Abobo sifted through my binder. “What’s going on here” I heard a familiar voice say from behind the mob of goons. The four bullies turned around and Billy Lee was standing there cracking his knuckles as he sized them all up. “None of your business, punk” Bo Abobo growled as he continued to sift through the binder. “Beat it and you won’t get hurt.” Billy Lee’s eyes narrowed into a cold angry stare as the other three bullies chuckled at Bo Abobo’s threat. “Why don’t you go pick on someone your own size” Billy Lee demanded as he clenched his fists. More laughter erupted from Bo Abobo and his crew as a crowd began to form around us in the hall. “You sticking up for this pipsqueak” Andore Jr. chuckled as he pushed me into the locker a bit harder. “You’re damn right” Billy Lee shouted. “He’s my friend and I’m going to give you guys one more chance to let him go or I’ll kick all of your asses.” The four bullies erupted into laughter at the thought of Billy Lee even beating them in a fight. “Yeah, sure, whatever you say, Mr. Hotshot Karate Master” Bo Abobo taunted as he found my chemistry homework and dropped the binder on the floor. “I hear Master Splinter needs some wood chopped in the gym. Why don’t you go give him…a ‘hand’ with it.” The bullies all burst into raucous laughter as if Bo Abobo’s joke were the funniest ever told in the world. Billy Lee turned his head and looked at my panicked face, a scowl spreading across his lips as he winked at me quickly. Suddenly, Billy Lee grabbed Andore Jr. by the hair and slammed his face into the locker. At that moment, he let go of me and I scurried out of the way. Bo Abobo, Burnov, and Paco Loco stood in complete awe as Billy Lee shoved Andore Jr.’s face into the locker a few more times. His stunned body slid to the floor, too out of it to even attempt to fight his attacker. Billy Lee turned to the others and raised his fists as Bo Abobo growled angrily. “Kick his ass” Bo Abobo shouted to his lackeys. “Quick, someone go get Principal Haggar” I heard Pac-Man shout from somewhere behind me. Right away I saw Master Higgins sprint off down the hallway and around the corner toward the Principal’s Office. Before Billy Lee could even land a punch on Bo Abobo or his goons, Paco Loco grabbed him from behind and held him tightly. An evil smile spread across Burnov’s face as balled up his fists and ran for Billy Lee. “Hasta la bye-bye” Paco Loco laughed as Burnov ran in for the punch. At that moment, Billy Lee slipped out of his vest, leaving Paco Loco with nothing but a handful of denim. A confused grunt escaped Paco Loco’s lips just as Billy Lee threw an elbow into the side of his head. The chubby bully immediately dropped to the floor holding his head, his stomach jiggling like Jello as he writhed on the floor in pain. Just moments before Burnov’s fist would have connected with Billy Lee’s head, Billy Lee jumped in the air and performed his famed Cyclone Spin Kick. Burnov flew backward into the lockers with a mighty crash, denting two of them with his massive frame. The students in the hallway all cheered on Billy Lee as a smile spread across his face and he began nodding his head happily over his victory. Suddenly, Bo Abobo slammed into Billy Lee’s back with his shoulder, knocking him down face first on the floor. Worried gasps emanated from the crowd as Bo Abobo stood over Billy Lee’s prone body. “Thought you could get the best of us, huh BIMMY” Bo Abobo growled. “Nobody beats up Bo Abobo’s crew. Time to teach you a lesson.” Just as Bo Abobo raised his foot to kick Billy Lee in the stomach, the Double Dragon jumped up off the floor and landed an uppercut right to Bo Abobo’s jaw. The large bully staggered backward a few steps as he raised a hand to hold his injured mouth. “Nobody calls me Bimmy, ADOBO” Billy shouted at Bo Abobo. At that moment, Principal Mike Haggar’s head could be seen moving through the crowd toward the scene of the fight. Bo Abobo wiped blood from his mouth as his three goons gathered themselves up off the floor and began their escape from the principal. “You and me, 3PM, at the flagpole” Bo Abobo growled as he pointed a finger at Billy Lee. “We finish this then. Don’t show up and you’ll be really sorry” Before Billy Lee could even reply, Bo Abobo slunk off through the crowd of students. “What’s going on here” Mike Haggar questioned as he approached the scene of the fight. “Nothing, Mr. Haggar” Billy Lee lied as he picked up my binder and chemistry homework off the floor. “I was just…showing off the new jumps I learned from Master Splinter in gym class.” “Well, there better be nothing going on here, Mr. Lee” Mike Haggar said authoritatively. “Because I would have no problem giving you another week of detention for fighting.” “No sir, no fighting here. Just some fun karate jumps” Billy Lee lied once again. “Alright, everyone off to your classes. Let’s go” Mike Haggar said to the crowd of students. Everyone groaned in disappointment as the students dispersed and headed off through the halls. “And you better keep out of trouble, Mister” Mike Haggar said as he pointed a finger at Billy Lee. “Or there will be consequences.” “Yes sir” Billy Lee muttered as Mike Haggar strode off down the hallway toward his office. I picked up Billy Lee’s vest off the floor, smoothed it out, and handed it to him. “Thanks buddy” Billy Lee replied as he put his vest back on. “Here’s your binder and homework back.” “Thanks Billy” I chimed happily as I tucked them back under my arm. Billy Lee smoothed out his shirt, straightened out his hair, and headed off down the hallway in the other direction. I turned to him and shouted “Hey, Billy. What are you going to do at 3 PM? You gonna actually fight Bo Abobo” Billy Lee stopped in his tracks and slowly turned around, a big smile spreading across his face. “What do you think I’m going to do” Billy Lee replied. “I’m going to go kick Bo Abobo’s ass!”
Well, it certainly has been an adventurous week, hasn’t it? Not only did my brother, Q-Bert, save the universe from the evil Red Falcon, but Billy Lee is going to take on the new school bully in a fight! As you can see, things can get pretty interesting and crazy around Neo City High School. I hated being here at first, but now I actually love it. You just never know what’s going to happen next! The old me never would have gone and watched a fight after school. The old me would have gone straight home and did my algebra homework. But the new me is ready for some adventure! You know, life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. Okay guys, it’s 3 PM and time for me to go. The fight of the school year begins now: Billy Lee vs. Bo Abobo! Who do you think will win? Anyway, I’ll be seeing you all around.
