Hello everyone and welcome to the latest installment of the Weekly Contests! This week's game is going to be Battletoads & Double Dragon. Here are the rules, but read on even further for a very special story intro:
- 1 player only
- Choose whichever character you want
- Play until your last life (no hearts remaining)
- No continues allowed
- Get as far in the game as possible
- Lowest score takes precedence in the event two or more people get to the same spot in the game
- Furthest progression wins
- Participation: Get to stage 2-3
- GENRE: Beat 'Em Up
The contest ends Sunday, 9/3/17 at 11 PM NA time. Your user name MUST be written or typed on a piece of paper and be in the picture for your score to be valid. The entire TV screen, or computer monitor if you are playing on an emulator, MUST be in the picture for the score to be valid. No partial screenshots will be considered or accepted. No screenshots by hitting "print screen" on a computer will be allowed. You must take a picture of your computer monitor. There may be instances where this will be acceptable, but it will be at the discretion of myself and the contest organizers. Also, the use of turbo controllers is forbidden, as well as any cheat codes, Game Genies, slow motion functions, or save states if playing on an emulator. Also, we will only be using NTSC systems for the contests. The use of PAL systems will NOT be allowed. Good luck everyone and have fun
It's been a while, but your good old pal Billy Lee is here to tell you about one of my latest adventures! In case you forgot, the last time we met up, I defeated the Shadow Master and his gang of warriors, rescued my girlfriend, Marian, brought her back to life (the Shadow Warriors killed her for crying out loud), and asked her to marry me, which she totally said yes to. It is now months later, our wedding is just around the corner, and I think it's time for me to tell you the story of my bachelor party. Heck yeah, you read that right, I'm going to tell you all about the awesomeness of my totally cool bachelor party. And it was quite the party! My brother, Jimmy, and my best buds, the Battletoads, decided to help me celebrate some of my last days as a single man around the universe and they definitely showed me a good time that I will never forget! It all started one Friday afternoon...
I was lounging on my couch in some boxers and a t-shirt, munching down on a big bowl of Cheetos and playing some Streets of Rage on my Sega Genesis (what, there's nothing wrong with Sega)! Marian was off with two of her bridesmaids, Samus Aran and Lara Croft, picking out dresses for the wedding, so I had the whole apartment and afternoon to myself. Just as I was about ready to beat Stage 3, I heard a loud knock on the door. I stopped for a moment and considered answering it, but decided beating Stage 3 was more important and kept on playing. A few seconds later, I heard the loud knocking once more.
Annoyed and still fixated on my game, I shouted out “Who is it and what do you want?”
“Is that any way to talk to your fiancee” I heard a familiar, yet shrill and angry voice from the other side of the door. “Open up, I left my keys in the apartment.”
I immediately snapped to attention, sitting upright on the couch. The bowl of Cheetos went flying across the living room and the controller fell to the floor. Marian was home early from dress shopping!
As I scrambled to pick up Cheetos off the floor and I heard my Streets of Rage character getting pulverized by the Stage 3 boss, I shouted out “Uh, just a second, Baby.”
“No, you open this door right now” the shrill, angry voice answered from behind the door. Marian would kill me if she saw me having a lazy day around the apartment. I was supposed to be getting fitted for my tuxedo, but decided to put it off for a couple more days.
Realizing I wouldn't be able to pick up all the Cheetos quickly, I shouted out “Hang on, I'll be right there,” hoping to buy more time.
“Oh, look, the landlord is passing by. I guess I'll have him let me in” the shrill voice answered angrily once again.
Feeling my heart leap into my throat, I started kicking Cheetos under the coffee table, couch, end tables, anything I could to hide the evidence.
“Uh, hold on a second, I'm naked” I lied as I scrambled to clean up the mess.
“I'm coming in right now” the voice replied as I heard the door begin to unlock.
Panicking, I screamed “I swear, I'll get my tuxedo fitted tomorrow. Please don't be mad at me!”
As the door swung open, I saw Jimmy and the Battletoads, Rash, Zitz, and Pimple, standing in the doorway with huge grins on their faces. Jimmy held a key to my apartment in one hand and Pimple, answering in the shrill voice that sounded like Marian when she was angry, said “Cheetos all over the floor...Sega Genesis turned on...you standing there in your boxers and not naked like you promised...that does it, I'm not marrying you.”
The four of them immediately burst into hysterical laughter as I stood there and growled at them angrily. I grabbed a pillow off the couch and threw it at Pimple.
“Dammit, that wasn't funny” I shouted angrily. “You guys nearly gave me a heart attack.”
Still chuckling, the four of them entered the apartment and closed the door quickly. Tossing the pillow back at me, Pimple answered “Get dressed, Romeo. We've got a special night planned for you.”
Grabbing the pillow and throwing it on the couch, I stared back with much confusion. I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about and didn't remember planning anything with them.
“Uh, what” was all I could muster.
“Dude, put some clothes on and get ready for a wild night across the universe” Rash answered as he walked forward and put an arm on my shoulder.
“Wild...night” was all I could answer. I totally wasn't expecting them to come by and thought maybe they had some sort of prank in store for me.
“You got it, Bro” Jimmy said as he clapped me on the shoulder. “We're taking you out for your bachelor party tonight.”
I'm pretty sure I showered and dressed faster than I ever had in my life. In fact, I think it was faster than you could say “Hadouken.” I was about ready to go party with my brother and the biggest party animals this side of Hyrule, River City, Neo Kobe City, Planet Zebes, the Mushroom Kingdom, Outer Heaven, Skyrim, even Duckburg. I was getting ready to go party with...THE BATTLETOADS! Before I knew it, we were climbing aboard their spaceship and zooming across the galaxy.
The first stop for my bachelor party was the red light district on Mars. I had never been to Mars before and always wanted to see it, but the red light district sounded extra...naughty! We landed at a spaceport, passed through a series of security checkpoints, entered a dome to protect us from the planet's harsh atmosphere, and were suddenly in the midst of the Mars red light district. It certainly was a sleazy place and reminded me of the rough areas of town back home. Pimps, hookers, criminals, drug dealers, and politicians were everywhere, either trying to get something illegal or peddle you something illegal. The other thing I noticed were the number of disfigured people milling about on the streets. Some had messed up faces, others had disfigured arms or legs, some were missing an eye, ear, nose, fingers, or even legs or arms.
“What's up with some of these people” I asked Zitz as we passed what appeared to be some sort of fortune teller booth with a lady with one eye. “They're all messed up.”
“Shhhhh, keep your voice down” Zitz answered quickly as he pushed me passed the fortune teller, who gazed at me with much disgust.
“What, what did I say” I implored angrily.
“This sector is controlled by Vilos Cohaagen, some big-wig here on Mars” he replied. “He controls the oxygen to this sector, and if the people don't obey his commands, sometimes he cuts off the oxygen here for a short while. As a result, it has caused a lot of people to become mutated.”
As I walked on and stared at the so-called “mutants,” absorbing what Zitz had just said to me, a large man with light brown hair, a pock-marked face, and a cloudy eye that appeared to be completely blind grabbed a hold of my arm.
“You want to see the future” he asked seriously as he stared at me with one normal eye and one blind eye.
Instead of saying something witty like “But what about the past,” I blurted out “What the FUCK is wrong with your eye.”
Not amused by my reply, the man began to growl angrily as Rash grabbed me by the arm and hurried me away before trouble could begin to brew.
“Billy, maybe you shouldn't talk with the locals” Rash said as the man disappeared into the crowd.
Before I could reply, I heard Zitz say “Ah, we're here” as we approached a seedy looking bar called The Mars Rover.
“What are we doing here” I asked as I stared up at the neon sign.
“You're going to meet Mary” Zitz grinned as he clapped me on the back and lead me into the bar.
The place was filled with the same kind of folk that were on the streets of the red light district, expect they all looked like they were drunk, horny, or a combination of both. Jimmy and the Battletoads lead me past the denizens of the establishment and toward a booth in the far corner of the bar. As we took a seat, a female midget in a corset approached the table and flipped through a notepad.
“What can I get for you fellas” the woman asked as she pulled out a pen from the middle of her breasts and put it to the pad of paper, not even looking at us. I noticed the name badge on her corset read “Thumbelina.”
“We're the Lee party” Jimmy exclaimed happily, a huge smile emblazoned across his face. “We made reservations a few weeks ago.”
Without looking at the group, Thumbelina flipped through the notepad in her hands. She stopped suddenly and her eyes scanned down the notepad rapidly. A huge smile quickly broke out across her face.
“Oh, right, you guys are getting the three 256 ounce pitchers of beer” she answered with a laugh. “And it looks like you guys are getting a visit from Mary. I'll let her know you're here.”
“Awesome” Rash replied happily as he bounced up and down in his seat as Thumbelina walked away from the booth to place our order.
It seemed like an eternity before we got our over-sized pitchers of beer, but when we did, Thumbelina wasn't the one who brought them to us. Instead, it was a dark-haired woman who brought them to our table. As she set the pitcher down, I noticed she was quite attractive, but at the same time, it looked like she had something hidden beneath the shirt she was wearing. Like she was hiding something underneath it.
As she placed the pitchers and beer mugs around the table, she suddenly said to all of us “So, who's the lucky bachelor.”
Pimple quickly slid up alongside me, pointed at my face, and said “This is the lucky guy, right here.”
“Oh, really” Mary said as she moved toward me. “Well, I hope you like what I have in store for you.”
The next few moments moved by in what felt like slow-motion. And I'm talking like when you're playing NES and you flip on the slow-motion function on an NES Advantage or other third-party controller. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, Mary quickly untied the bow on her shirt and opened it up lustily. And when she did, I could scarcely believe my eyes...she had THREE boobs! Yeah, you heard me right, she had three of them. And absolutely perfect in size. As I stared on in awe and amazement, I could hear Jimmy and the Battletoads laughing quietly as they sipped their beer. Also, I don't want any single one of you to tell Marian about this. If she knew I was in the red light district of Mars, staring back at a bare-chested, three-boobed hooker, she would absolutely KILL me! This is going to be our little secret.
“So, what do you think” Mary asked lustfully as she thrust her three breasts in my direction. My heart pounding in my chest and my eyes nearly popping out of my head, I held up my hands to touch her. Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly since she was a hooker, she let me put my hands on her breasts and smiled happily as I ran my hands over them.
“Oh, baby, you make me wish I had three hands” I managed to sputter in my erotic excitement.
“I think you're doing just fine with two” Mary replied unenthusiastically, as if she had heard that line countless times.
As I fondled the three-breasted hooker in front of me, I heard the wristwatch that Pimple wore beep loudly. He tried to ignore it at first, but when it beeped for a second and then a third and fourth time, he answered it with annoyance.
“What, what do you want” he growled angrily into the wristwatch.
“Battletoads, it's Professor T-Bird, do you read me” a voice buzzed loudly as the elderly bird's face appeared on the screen of the watch.
“We read you loud and clear” Pimple answered as he pressed a button on the wristwatch. “What's going on?”
“We have a problem...a huge problem” Professor T-Bird answered. “I just intercepted a transmission from the Dark Queen that was sent to the United Nations building. Apparently she is threatening to launch a nuke at planet Earth unless she is given $500 million in the next 12 hours. She has a ship in orbit around Earth and you Toads are the closest ones to be able to stop her.”
“Well, you see, sir, we are kind of not on Earth right now” Pimple admitted as he took a sip of beer.
“What in blazes do you mean you're not on Earth” Professor T-Bird shouted angrily. “Where in the heck are you guys?”
“We're on Mars right now with Billy and Jimmy Lee celebrating Billy's bachelor party” Pimple continued.
“Mars for a bachelor party” the professor squawked loudly. “This is NO time for a party. You guys need to double-time it back to Earth to stop the Dark Queen. You'll have to...”
Professor T-Bird didn't finish his sentence. I glanced over at Pimple for a moment and could see the professor on the wristwatch adjusting his glasses as he stared straight ahead at me.
“Does that woman have three knockers” Professor T-Bird said in amazement.
“Yes she most certainly does” Pimple grinned as he turned the wristwatch in my direction to give a better view of Mary. “And Mister 'I Wish I Had Three-Hands' over there is having the time of his life right now.”
“Well you tell Mister 'I Wish I Had Three-Hands' his fun time is over” Professor T-Bird ordered angrily. “You guys need to get back to Earth right now to stop the Dark Queen. And bring the Lee brothers along as well. A little extra help in stopping the Dark Queen couldn't hurt and their martial arts expertise could...could...could...wow, that woman really has three knockers?”
“Absolutely, boss” Pimple replied, the same big smile on his face.
“Man, that is something” the professor exclaimed. “I can't get over that. Are they real? All of them?”
“They sure are” I shouted loudly as I continued to work my magic with my hands.
“Man, that's extraordinary” the professor said. “I've seen a lot of crazy things in my days, from a four-armed half-man half-dragon named Goro to a little carnivorous furry ball-like creature called a Crite to vampires that like sunlight to 40-foot tall slugs to a guy with two butts. But never, NEVER have I ever seen a chick with three knockers. Any chance I could get a picture?”
“No photos” Mary shouted loudly.
“Well, I suppose I could copy the video from the transmission, loop it back a few minutes to where I first saw her, freeze the video, copy the image on the screen” the professor muttered on.
Pimple quickly clapped a hand down over the wristwatch so no one could hear Professor T-Bird's words. The professor continued to talk, but all of his words were muffled and unintelligible as Pimple turned to Mary and shot her an embarrassed grin. The look on her face indicated she was not happy with the situation.
“Professor, I'm having a hard time reading you” Pimple said quickly as he uncovered the wristwatch. “We'll get to Earth right away. We'll be in touch.” The screen on the watch then went dark.
“Okay, we're done here” Mary said in annoyance as she pulled away from me and closed her shirt back up.
“A
wwwww..., but I was having fun” I whined as she ignored me and made her way across the bar to a back room and disappeared.
“The fun will have to wait until later” Rash said as he jumped up from the booth. “You all heard the professor. Come on, we need to get back to Earth so we can stop the Dark Queen. Billy, Jimmy, you guys mind giving us a hand?”
“Not at all” Jimmy exclaimed. “We took down the Shadow Master, so the Dark Queen should be a piece of cake.”
“But what about my bachelor party” I complained as Pimple nudged me out of the booth.
“Don't worry, Billy, we'll still give you a bachelor party you'll never forget” Zitz replied.
As the five of us left The Mars Rover, little did I know that evening with the Battletoads and Jimmy would be one that I would never forget.
