Hello everyone and welcome to the latest installment of the Weekly Contests! It’s your old pal Billy Lee again and I just can’t thank you all enough for the help you have provided me this year. Not only did you help get my girlfriend back from my brother, Jimmy, but you helped out my good buds, the Battletoads, stop the Dark Queen from her nefarious scheme. Heck, you even helped me whoop those Abobos at golf! Yeah…we aren’t even going to mention the baseball match. Anyway, things are pretty slow around the Lee Bros. Karate Dojo this week, so I figured I would tell you all a story. It’s time for me to take you back to the past…and NOT to play the shitty games that suck ass. I want to take you back to when I was a teenager, and before the whole Q-Bert incident happened at Neo City High School. We are going back to the summer when I turned 14 and just before I entered high school. We are going back to when I got my first job.
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the summer of 19XX and Jimmy and I were looking to earn some money to buy the new series of Nintendo trading cards and also have a little bit left over to go hang out at the Neon Night Riders Arcade. Jimmy was able to find a job right away mowing lawns and doing yard work around town, but I was unsuccessful. I spent days searching the “Help Wanted” section in the newspaper, but couldn’t find anything I was qualified for, let alone interesting. The job offers included things like “Come be Little Mac’s trainer down at the local gym. Experienced boxers only.” There was also “New assistant needed at Dr. Acula’s Blood Bank. Must be willing to work nights, have a clean neck, and not eat garlic. No crucifixes allowed. Apply in person.” Oh, and how could I forget “New chef wanted at Burger Time Café. Call during normal business hours and ask for Chef Peter Pepper. Must be willing to work long hours, deal with grumpy hot dogs and eggs on a regular basis, and not be allergic to pepper.” And then there was “New wing-mate needed for Starfox Squadron. Must enjoy intergalactic travel and be an experienced starfighter pilot. Must provide own Ar-Wing. Call Fox McCloud at 555-FOXX.” Like, dude, I was 14 years old. There’s no way I could work midnights, I wasn’t an experienced boxer, I didn’t own my own Ar-Wing (let alone know what one was), and I certainly didn’t want to have to deal with grumpy hot dogs…whatever that meant. The only experience I’ve ever had with hot dogs was that one time where I ate too many of them and had a stomachache the next day (trust me, I will never do that again). Just when I thought I would never find a job, one jumped out of the pages right at me: “Local paperboy wanted. Great wages. Apply downtown. Teenage boys only. Must provide own bicycle. Immediate interviews.” I had never been so excited in my life…well, that Christmas I got my Super Nintendo along with Bonestorm was pretty cool (man, I can’t tell you how many times I got in trouble for saying “Buy me Bonestorm…or go to Hell." Anyway, I threw on my lucky karate vest and ran out the door for my very first job interview.
I sat in the main hallway outside the local newspaper’s editor’s office for what seemed like an eternity waiting for my interview when another applicant showed up…in fact, he was the only other person who showed up for the job…the neighborhood bully, Bo Abobo! I didn’t really know him at the time (trust me, I would REALLY get to know him later in life), but I knew he was bad news. He lived over on the rough side of town and used to like to come over to my side of town to pick on some of the kids. He would throw rocks at them while they rode their bikes, give Super Atomic Wedgies and Wet Willys, push kids in the mud, steal their baseball cards, lunch money, Nintendo games, and even their Nintendo Power magazines (oh, I would have my sweet revenge with this and take HIS Nintendo Power magazine…but you guys already knew that), throw water balloons at girls, hide in the bushes and soak people with a Super Soaker, and pin kids to the ground and fart in their faces. Gah, that’s so gross! And that isn’t even the tip of the iceberg! Anyway, Bo Abobo plops down on the bench next to me, the wooden seat groaning under his heavy weight. “Hey, wimp” he said to me with a big grin on his face. “Are you applying for the paperboy job, too?” I swallowed nervously, afraid to say something that might result in me getting a Wedgie, Noogie, or Wet Willy (hey, cut me some slack. This was my first encounter with the kid). “Uh…uh…yeah” was all I could sputter out of my trembling mouth. The grin on Bo Abobo’s face got wider as he wrapped his arm around my neck, putting me in a beastly headlock. “Guess what, wimp” he taunted as he tightened his grip. “I’m gonna get that job and you’re not.” Before I could even utter a sound or cry for help, the door to the editor’s office thrust open with a mighty whoosh and a woman with horned-rimmed glasses and a beehive hairdo stood before us. “The boss will see you both now” she replied in a nasally voice. Her eyes lowered when she noticed Bo Abobo’s arm around my neck. “Is there a problem out here” she asked. Bo Abobo lessened his grip on my neck and put his arm around my shoulder like we were best friends. “Nope, not at all” he lied as he clapped me on the back hard. I winced in pain and held back a cough as Bo Abobo stood up from the bench and walked toward the office. He turned back to me, a sly smile on his face. “Come on, wimp” he taunted. “What are you waiting for? Me to get the job?” Bo Abobo chuckled loudly to himself as I stood up from the bench and followed him into the office.
Seated across from us in the small and stuffy editor’s office was the editor of the newspaper himself and boy was he one tough looking dude! He had this really muscular physique, as if he had been in the Army for years and years. He had dark brown hair except for his sideburns, which were a light-gray color. He had an eyepatch across one part of his battle-hardened face and chomped on a recently lit cigar. The name placard on the front of his desk read “Big Boss.” He slammed his hand down suddenly on the desk, startling us both. He removed it slowly to reveal a smashed fly in his palm. He casually shook his hand toward a trashcan next to the desk and the smashed fly corpse disappeared into the receptacle. “Damn flies. Where’s Kermit the Frog or Frogger or Genghis Frog when you need them? Anyway, the name is Big Boss, but you guys can call me ‘Big Boss’” the man replied in a gravelly voice as he took a large puff from his cigar and propped his feet up on his desk. Bo Abobo and I shot each other confused glances at his stupid reply. “So, you both want to be paperboys, huh” Big Boss said as he tapped ashes from his cigar into a nearby ashtray. We both sat there speechless, waiting for him to say more. “Well, DO ya or DON’T ya” he shouted as he leaned forward in his chair and pounded his fist on the desk. Bo Abobo and I both jumped, not expecting the gruff reply from the intimidating man sitting in front of us. “Um…uh…um…uh…yes…yes, we do” the two of us sputtered, unsure of what Big Boss wanted us to say. A small smile spread across his face as he leaned back in his chair and took a hearty puff from his cigar. “That’s what I thought” he answered. “Being a paperboy isn’t an easy job. You have to get up early every morning, be to work on time every single day, work in rainy or hot conditions, get more exercise than you’re both probably used to, and deal with all kinds of hazards. You will NOT call in to work sick, you will NOT screw around while on your delivery route, and you will NOT damage any property with your newspapers. With that in mind, do you both still want to take the job?” Bo Abobo and I just sat there, unsure of what to say. Big Boss immediately jumped forward in his chair, leaning his face across the desk as he continued to chomp on his cigar. “Did I stutter or something? Do you little punks want the job or not” he screamed as he pushed his face in our direction, sweat run down his face as his forehead turned a beet-red color. Bo Abobo and I struggled to find an answer that would satisfy the angry man in front of us. I glanced over at my rival and noticed that he was shaking a bit. I couldn’t help but smile a little bit at the sight of a bully getting intimidated by someone a lot tougher than him. “Yes, absolutely” we both shouted in unison like a couple of Marines answering a drill sergeant. Big Boss smiled once again as he leaned back in his chair, this time placing his hands behind his head. “That’s what I thought” he replied as he blew a couple smoke rings into the air. “You both start on Monday. Be here at 6 AM sharp or you won’t have a job. Bring your own bikes or you won’t have a job. The job is very simple: deliver a newspaper to each one of your subscribers or face the consequences. Miss delivering too many papers or piss off too many subscribers and you won’t have a job. We only have room for one paperboy this summer, so give it your all. Whoever does the best job will secure the job. The other…well, won’t have a job. Do I make myself very clear?” Again, Bo Abobo and I struggled to find an answer. “Well, do I make myself clear” Big Boss shouted loudly, the cigar nearly leaping out of his mouth in the process. Bo Abobo and I once again snapped to attention, both nodding our heads in agreement. “Yes, sir, Big Boss, we understand” we both answered at the same time. Big Boss once again leaned back in his chair, the same sly smile as before spreading across his face as he slid the cigar from one corner of his mouth to the other. “Very good” he replied as he took a deep puff on the cigar. “I will see you both back here on Monday morning. Now get out of my office.” Bo Abobo and I just sat there perplexed, expecting to hear more details about our new job. Big Boss’s eyes narrowed and he took a slow puff on his cigar as we both sat in the aging, burgundy chairs across from him, unsure of what to do next. “I said get the HELL out of my office” he shrieked as he jumped forward in his chair. Bo Abobo and I both jumped up and scrambled out of his office before he could shout at us again. As I turned back to close the office door, I noticed Big Boss’s cigar fall from his mouth into his lap. He quickly began slapping at his groin area as he stood up from his chair. “Dammit, what the hell” he exclaimed as he swatted some errant ashes from the front-side of his pants. As I closed the office door, Bo Abobo stood before me like a giant diabolical sentinel ready to pounce on his prey. “Don’t count on getting that job, wimp” Bo Abobo cackled evilly as he stared down at me. “I’m going to be the new paperboy in this town.” I gulped nervously as I stared up at Bo Abobo’s bulky frame, unsure of what to say. “Yeah, well we will see about that” I managed to croak from my dry and nervous throat. Bo Abobo just laughed loudly in the claustrophobic hallway. “Yeah, I bet we will, BIMMY” he mocked as he laughed evilly. “Hey, my name is Billy” I replied angrily at Bo Abobo’s mispronunciation of my name. “Bimmy isn’t even a real name!” “Yeah, sure, whatever you say…BIMMY! That paperboy job is mine, you wimp” Bo Abobo laughed. I could feel anger boiling inside at the gross mispronunciation of my name. No one had had ever called me anything but Billy and this lunkheaded bully wasn’t about to call me something different. Before I could utter a word, Bo Abobo pushed past me and ripped the loudest fart I had ever heard. “Smell ya later, BIMMY” he cracked as he walked down the hallway laughing. I stood there dumbfounded in a noxious, gaseous cloud, wondering how such a nasty bully like Bo Abobo could get the paperboy job along with me. My thoughts were suddenly interrupted when the editor’s office door flew open with a bang and Big Boss strode down the hallway, ignoring me in the process. “Dammit, Doris, did you buy another one of those smelly egg salad sandwiches from Burger Time Café again? Those things reek” Big Boss shouted to his secretary as he fanned the Bo Abobo fart smell away from his nostrils. At that moment, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I was going to beat out Bo Abobo for the job no matter what it took.
Well, that’s the story of how I landed my first job. Oh, trust me, there’s a whole lot more to tell. My first week on the job was one of the most unforgettable experiences from my teenage years. And I will tell you all about it throughout the course of the week. As for now, there are newspapers to be delivered. What, don’t look at me! I’m retired from that business. It’s up to all of you to make sure those papers get delivered to the subscribers. Here’s what you need to know to become the next all-star Paperboy:
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1 player only
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Play until Life 0 (until you have no more red caps remaining)
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You may not play any of the game on Life 0. You must immediately stop and take your picture. Anyone suspected of playing the game on Life 0 will have their score disqualified
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If you beat the game, take your picture on the High Scores screen
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Highest score wins
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Participation: 7,000
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GENRE: Arcade
The contest ends Sunday, 7/17/16 at 11 PM NA time. Your user name MUST be written or typed on a piece of paper and be in the picture for your score to be valid. The entire TV screen, or computer monitor if you are playing on an emulator, MUST be in the picture for the score to be valid. No partial screenshots will be considered or accepted. No screenshots by hitting "print screen" on a computer will be allowed. You must take a picture of your computer monitor. There may be instances where this will be acceptable, but it will be at the discretion of myself and the contest organizers. Also, the use of turbo controllers is forbidden, as well as any cheat codes, Game Genies, slow motion functions, or save states if playing on an emulator. Also, we will only be using NTSC systems for the contests. The use of PAL systems will NOT be allowed. Good luck everyone and have fun
