Thank you Santa for reporting all the latest developments this week. Stay tuned everyone for any late breaking news as we head into the final day of Baseball competition. And now it's time to turn to sports. It's time for a post-game report with the star of Team Bimmy, Bimmy Ruth Jr. So, Bimmy, what can you tell us about the baseball game today between you and Team Abobo?
Man, I can’t believe we lost to the Abobos! What a load of crap! I mean, forget the fact that my team absolutely STUNK in the outfield! Did you see how Rowper and Williams and Countdown ran for the ball?? They ran so stinkin’ slow and couldn’t even run in a straight line half the time! By the time those guys caught up to the ball, the Abobos had already made it to third and even had time to kick dirt in our faces! Like dudes, don’t get me dirty! I just took a shower this morning! I don’t want to have to take another one for a couple days! Plus, I think the Abobos cheated! Wait, I KNOW those guys cheated! I mean, just look at Bo Abobo!
The guy looks like he is on more steroids than Jose Canseco! And don’t get me started on the bats they used! I guarantee you 1000 percent that those bats had cork in them! This game definitely needs to have a do-over! I mean, we beat them at basketball last year, so I don’t see why we couldn’t beat them at baseball. Oh wait, I know why we didn’t beat them! It’s because they CHEATED! I mean, just look at who they had on their team! Bolo Bonds! Abore Pujols! They were comprised of a bunch of ‘roid monkeys! That’s not fair at all! Anyway, as we headed off to the locker room for a much needed shower, we passed by Team Abobo’s locker room. And guess what we saw in there? We saw them celebrating their victory with cocktail weenies, peel and eat shrimp, Oreo cookies, pretzel M & Ms, fondue, pizza rolls, CHOCOLATE MILK! They even had Krispy Kreme donuts! Man, that’s not fair, I want some pizza rolls and chocolate milk! Anyway, I poke my head into their locker room and shout “Hope your steroids tasted good you bunch of no-good, dummyhead cheaters!” Of course, Jimmy had to chime in with “Hey, Bo ADOBO! Why don’t you eat another donut, you fat pig!” Suddenly, everything got dead silent and they all turned toward the door. Bo Abobo was all like this:
And then in a booming voice he said “What did you just say, wimp?” And I was all like “I didn’t say anything. I would never say anything to piss off you ADOBOS…I mean…Abobos. Plus, Jimmy said it, not me.” Then all the Abobos stood up, cracked their knuckles, and stretched their muscles. Jimmy and I both gulped nervously and were all like this as they came at us with their giant hands outstretched:
The next thing I know, Bo Abobo has his hands all over Jawbreaker Jeter. My eyes grow wide with fear as Bo Abobo gives Jawbreaker the biggest Noogie I have ever seen. By the time he was done, Jawbreaker’s hair was standing up straight like Albert Einstein! The next thing I know, Bolo Bonds grabs Rowper Ripkin Jr. by the front of his jersey, hoists him over his head, and throws him right into a laundry cart full of dirty jock straps! And head first too! Dude, that’s so disgusting! I looked to my right and I saw Bo Abobo and Abore Pujols tie Williams Mays down to a bench and pull his pants down so that his bare butt was showing. The next thing I know, one of the Abobos pulled a BB gun out of a backpack and started shooting BBs at Williams’ butt! I have to admit, it was pretty funny to see them laughing hysterically as they shot BB after BB at his butt cheeks. Suddenly, Bo Abobo turns around just in time to see Countdown Cobb and Linda Gehrig push Jimmy and I forward and run from the locker room with what looked like a smoke cloud lingering in the air like when the Looney Tunes Roadrunner takes off. Well…I suppose it COULD have been that! After all, Linda did eat a lot of barbecued Boston baked beans before the game. Anyway, Bo Abobo says “which one of you wimps is next” and walks at Jimmy and I with his arms outstretched. This was the last thing I remember seeing before my brother and I blacked out:
When Jimmy and I woke up, we found a note taped to Jimmy’s forehead. I yanked it off real quick (and yes, Jimmy DID scream like a girl when I pulled the tape off his forehead. Don’t let him tell you otherwise), opened the note, and read it out loud:
“Dear Bimmy and Dimmy,
This is what you get for calling us cheaters and being overall WIMPS, Hahahahaha!!!! And for the record, we are all muscle and NO fat, and don’t you forget it! Well, after what we did to you and your friends, I don’t think you will ever forget it, hahahaha! And just for calling us all those hurtful names (hey, we have feelings too you know), we left you some surprises in your locker room! Hahahahaha! See ya later, wimps!
The Abobos (and Bo Abobo)
P.S. Abobos RULE and Double Dragons DROOL!”
Man, these guys weren’t kidding about the surprises they left. I don’t even know where to start! First of all, they broke all of our wooden bats. Secondly, they tied a jock strap to the spout on our water fountain. Gah!! They also wrote “Dubble Draggins Suck” in shaving cream all over the bathroom mirrors. HA, the joke’s on you, Abobos! You didn’t even spell “Double Dragons” right! Bunch of dummyheads! Oh, one of them stole those Nintendo Power trading cards I stole…er, borrowed from Abobo back when I rescued Marian from Jimmy’s hideout. Like, come on, guys! I still haven’t beaten Super Smash TV! How am I supposed to beat it without the tips? Oh, and they plugged up the toilets in the locker room AGAIN! What the heck is with these guys and plugging up toilets? What kind of sick freak gets his jolly’s off clogging up toilets? Look, just because I did it to them a couples times as revenge doesn’t mean they need to keep doing it to me. Man, I can’t afford to call Mario Bros. Plumbing again. I’m so far in debt to those guys that I’m probably going to have to sell my sealed copy of Stadium Events. Oh, and don’t get me started on the whole calling me Bimmy thing. Bimmy…is…not…a…real…NAME! And now they’re calling my brother Dimmy?? I mean, yeah, he was a dimwit for kidnapping my girlfriend all those years ago, but Dimmy isn’t a real name either! That does it, I’m buying those Abobos a dictionary for Christmas! Well anyway, I guess Jimmy and I will be seeing you guys around. I wish we could have beaten the Abobos, but as they say, it’s one, two, three strikes you’re out at the old ball game…but only because they cheated! Yes, I’m still bitter about this! And I will be until we can get our revenge against them! Hmmm, which sport will be best to exact our revenge? I’m all about this revenge thing if you couldn’t guess by now. Golf? Pool? Stock car racing? Only time will tell until we get our…Revenge! Look, we are already ready for revenge!
But Marian said we looked more like a couple of dorks ready to get our butts kicked. Kind of like this:
