Thank you for reporting the latest news, Santa. Only Sunday night will tell if Nostradumbass’ predictions will hold true. We now turn to sports, where we have the latest developments in the famed Team Bimmy vs. Team Abobo sports match-up. Let’s head out to the golf course where Bimmy Hogan will let us know how the match played out.
Oh man, that was such a great round of golf! We totally smoked the Abobos and got our bragging rights back after that humiliating baseball game almost two months ago. Man were we ever ON FIRE out there on the golf course! My brother, the Golden Dragon, used his mighty Dragon Uppercut Slice to sink many hole-in-ones which left the Abobos completely stupefied. Hahahaha, that’s actually pretty fitting for a bunch of “stupid” lamebrains. Anyway, Chin Chin Rodriguez played a great game and whacked the ball down the fairway every time like he is known for. He had such an awesome Eagle on Hole 9 that I couldn’t hold back shouting “Stroke me, stroke me, Chin Chin.” Of course, he got the wrong impression and gave me a gay wink and wouldn’t stop asking me for my phone number. It took me the entire back half of the course to convince him I wasn’t gay. He finally left me alone when I finally showed him a picture of Marian’s dragon tattoo tramp stamp. Speaking of that, you guys want to see a picture of Marian’s tramp stamp? Hell yeah, you know you want to. I’ve only been teasing you about it for, like, the entire year. Well, get ready to see it! Feast your eyes on this baby!
What, why are you all groaning in disappointment? What, you guys actually thought I would show you an actual picture of my girlfriend’s bare ass? Man, she would absolutely KILL me if I showed off an actual picture of her hot, smokin’ posterior. I would totally be sleeping on the couch for a month, forced to do the dishes for a week, and get my Nintendo taken away! There’s no way I’m letting any of that happen! I’ve got a video game party next Friday night with the Battletoads! But trust me, Marian has a sweet ass! Anyway, Williams Woods would go way deep into the rough and then bang it right into the hole every single time…if you catch my drift. But seriously, he plays an awesome golf game.
Of course, it wouldn’t have been a match against the Abobos without them CHEATING! Yep, not only did they cheat at baseball, but they also tried to do it during our golf game! I caught one of their star golfers, Abore Palmer, kick the ball a few times to make it look like he did better than he actually did. Bolo Trevino would always hit the ball out of bounds, but always claimed it was right on the fairway. It turned out he had a hole in his pants pocket and would drop an extra ball through the hole and down his pant leg to make it look inconspicuous. And then we had Burnov Couples trying to write down the wrong scores on the scorecard! He was trying to make Team Abobo look like a bunch of studs, but in reality, they were a bunch of DUDS! And then, or course, you had Bo Abobo doing his best to cheat…like always! He would point at random things off to the side, and say things like “Look, there’s a pterodactyl” or “Over there, look. It’s Superman.” And then you know what he would do? He would pick up his golf ball and throw it as hard and as far as he could when everyone was distracted. It took us a while to convince Rowper McIlroy that the herons we saw flying around were definitely NOT pterodactyls. As a result of all the cheating, the Abobos got penalized quite a few strokes. And way more strokes than I could count on all my fingers and toes!
So, just as we got done with the 18th Hole, it was revealed that my team won the golf match…by a landslide! Jimmy and I immediately slapped high fives, while Rowper and Williams did this goofy little butt-slam and started singing “We are the Champions” very loudly. Chin Chin started doing this goofy dance that reminded me of the dance that Crispin Glover’s character did in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, while Linda started making out with one of Williams’ babes that he brought along. I’ll tell you, I’ve never seen two women French kiss like that! The Abobos were naturally pretty pissed, but it was what my dumb brother said that set the stage for more humiliation. As we slapped our secret high-five/handshake combo (I’m not telling you guys what it is because it’s a secret), Jimmy turned toward the Abobos and shouted “Double Dragons RULE and ADOBOS DROOL!” All those beefy birdbrains did was crack their knuckles and then rush at us to exact their revenge. First of all, Abore Palmer took all of our golf clubs and broke them over his knees! Like, dude, that was not cool! My 1 Wood was made from all natural Hylian wood and cost me like 5000 Rupees! The next thing I knew, Bolo Trevino had tied Williams Woods to a tree and pulled his pants down to his ankles, exposing his bare ass. He then took Williams’ 4-prong golf ball retriever (you know, the thing you use to get the ball out of the water) and started pinching his butt with it! Man did Williams ever shriek like a girl. And poor Rowper McIlroy! Burnov Couples picked him up with one hand and hung him from his underwear on a tree! I can’t even imagine the horrible wedgie he must have gotten from that! Jimmy and I decided it was time for us to split, but before we could do anything, Bo Abobo stepped in our way and conked our heads together. When we came to, we found ourselves buried in a sand trap up to our necks! Bo Abobo was standing over us with an evil smile on his face and cackling like a witch getting ready to brew up a batch of Love Potion No. Nine. “I hope you guys like deviled eggs” Bo Abobo chuckled as he turned around and pulled down his pants. The next thing I knew he was farting in both me and my brother’s faces! Oh man did it ever smell like stinky eggs! We coughed and gagged and coughed some more as Team Abobo took all our golf carts except one and drove them into a nearby pond. As they piled into our last golf cart, I heard Bo Abobo say something along the lines of “You Double Dragons may have won the golf match, but WE got the last laugh, hahahaha! You’re still a bunch of wimps and always will be. And we will be ready for you the next time you challenge us at ANY sport! Smell ya later, Double DORKS!” It took Jimmy and me quite a while, but we eventually got ourselves out of that sand trap. And do you think Linda could’ve helped us out? Oh heck no, she was too busy mowing the lawn with Williams’ babe, if you catch my drift. Well, I guess that’s all for now. Just because we got tormented by the Abobos again doesn’t mean we can’t savor the sweet golf victory! And savor it we will…with pizza rolls…and video games…and the Battletoads…back at my apartment! The score is 2-1 in our favor in the rivalry and we will look to take a 3-1 lead the next time we compete against those lunkheaded, lamebrained, numbskull-headed, moronic, idiotic, stupid, dummyheaded, dimwitted, bird-brained, thickheaded, Abobos…whenever that might be.
