Okay, screw it, I'm posting the Team Bimmy vs. Team Abobo conclusion now. Hope you all enjoy it.
And for a post-game report, we now go ice-side to the captain of Team Bimmy...Bimmy himself. Take it away, Bimmy!
Oh man, we absolutely CREAMED those Abobos today! I don't think those guys have ever ice-skated once in their life, let alone ever held a hockey stick. Right off the first face-off, my team got the puck and we took off down the ice faster than fast! I mean we were really, super duper fast! How fast you say? Faster than a Bullet Bill chasing Mario and Luigi through the Mushroom Kingdom. Faster than Speedy Gonzales running to get a churro from a churro vendor. Faster than The Flash running to the bathroom to clean his underwear because he sharted. Fast than my Battletoads buddy Jerms running home because he heard someone say “hot dogs are ready!” We skated by the Abobos so fast that they were just standing there looking under their legs for us. Let me tell you, it was pretty funny to see those big dummyheads standing there looking between their legs like they're looking at their butts in a mirror and trying to squeeze a pimple on their left buttcheek that is bothering them so bad that can't even sit down comfortably, but then all the blood goes to their head and they get light-headed and fall over with their butt sticking up in the air and...what, why are you all looking at me like that like I just replaced myself with the Abobos in this story? Anyway, let's move along.
So, naturally, being the Great One and all, I scored the game's first goal and did this awesome celebratory dance where I did the air guitar with my hockey stick, pumped my fists in the air like I had just won the Stanley Cup, and then rode my hockey stick around like it was a horse. Of course, my super awesome goal-scoring dance that I planned and rehearsed for like two weeks pissed off Bo Abobo something fierce. So what does he do after the puck drops? He sends his goon Burnov after me to fight me! Talk about being a poor sport! So, I pulled off the helmet, threw down the stick and gloves, went toe-to-toe with him...and this happened:
He absolutely clobbered me! It wasn't even a fair fight either! He was like...10 feet taller than me and full of steroids! Okay, so maybe he wasn't 10 feet tall, but he was big. Really big. Man, I knew I should've put tin foil on my knuckles before the game. And of course, my new recruit, Abore, wouldn't even step in and help me. “Sorry, Bimmy” he said. “He might be on the other team, but he's still my friend.” Let me tell you, I benched Abore for the rest of the game for that remark. That would prove to be a mistake later on.
So the Abobos finally got a goal in the second period, and of course, Bo Abobo had to mock me and ride his hockey stick around like a horse! Like, come on man, that's MY thing! MY THING! I spent a lot of time practicing that move. I even blew Marian off on numerous dates to stay home and practice it! Anyway, as those knuckleheads were celebrating their goal, I heard Williams Roy ranting and raving and swearing behind me. He was soooo pissed that he got scored on. He was all like this:
So I skated over to him and said “Williams, it's just one goal. We're still going to clobber these guys.” To that, he responded in his hilarious French accent “But Monsieur Bimmy, I am zee best goalie in zee world. No one ever scores on me, not even a playeur like Bo Abobo.” The next thing I hear is Bo Abobo shouting “Hey, Bimmy, maybe you should call your friend there a WAH-mbulance!” Immediately all the Abobos start laughing like that was the best joke in the world. I had to hold back Williams Roy big time after that joke! He kept throwing his arms in the air and trying to fight the Abobos, shouting things like “I'm gonna keek your ahss, I'm gonna keek your ahss!” Let me tell you, it's hard to hold someone back who's so enraged like that when you're secretly laughing on the inside at his silly accent.
The rest of the game was absolutely unbelievable for my team. My little cousin, Connor McBimmy, scored nine goals alone in the third period! Nine goals! That's more awesome than the time I no-deathed Battletoads on the NES! We need a name for that feat. Let's see, what can we call it...a Bimmy Hat Trick...no, that doesn't sound good...a Bimmy Trick...that doesn't sound good either...a Big Niner...no, that won't do either...wait, I got it! We'll call it a McBimm Trick! Yeah, I like that! Now to get that trademarked before someone else steals it from me. Oh, and I scored the game-winning goal, too! It was amazing! I flew down the ice on the wing, stickhandling around those stupid Adobos, cut over to the left at the last second, skated in front of their goalie, and shot the puck right as I got tripped up. I watched the puck go in the net while I was in mid-air and all I could do was cheer. You should've SEEN me! I was all like this:
But Marian says that wasn't how it happened at all. She says I slowly made my way down the ice, barely hanging on to the puck the whole time. She said the Abobos lost their balance because they couldn't skate and that I lost my balance because I tried to skate too fast at the end and that the only reason I scored is because the puck slid by the goalie because he couldn't keep his balance either. She said I looked more like this:
When all was said and done, we had won the game and beat the Abobos once again! We cheered loudly, slapped high fives, did some butt slams against each other, and hooted and hollered while the Abobos sat on the ice and cried like a bunch of babies. Then the championship trophy was brought out, we all skated around the ice with it, Connor McBimmy dropped it once (I think he dented it, but no one was looking, so don't tell anyone), and we sang “We are the Champions” over and over and over! Then guess what we drank out of the trophy afterward? Chocolate! Milk! It was so totally awesome and we didn't care that we looked like fools with chocolate milk mustaches, we were winners! Just before we were ready to skate off the ice to the locker room and have pizza rolls, jalapeno poppers, and bagel bites, I took one last look at the Abobos and suddenly got an idea. “Hey, Abobos” I shouted to them. “We are the CHAMPIONS! Double Dragons will always RULE and ADOBOS will always DROOL!” With that, me and my whole team (minus Abore) pulled down our pants and mooned the Abobos. Suddenly they jumped up and skated off the ice and down the runway to the locker rooms without so much as hurling a half-witted insult at us. “Hey, should we call a WAH-mbulance for YOU guys” Connor McBimmy shouted as he thumbed his nose at the colossal goons. I swear I felt a tear well up in my eye at my cousin's words. I could tell he was going to be just like me one day. My tears of happiness quickly turned to tears of fear when I saw what was barreling toward us. Those stupid idiots had jumped on the Zambonis and were now driving them at us!
For the next I don't know how many minutes or hours, the Abobos tortured and bullied us like they've done at the end of every sporting event. They chased us around on the ice for a long time with the Zambonis, laughing their heads off as we sweated like a bunch of fatties running on a treadmill with a donut dangling in their face. And we couldn't get off the ice either because Abore blocked the way! Apparently that was our punishment for me benching him. What a stinking traitor! I'll never recruit him again. Poor Connor McBimmy got hit by one of the Zambonis and slid into one of the nets, where he got tangled up. Bo Abobo jumped down from the Zamboni, skated over to poor McBimmy, squatted down, and farted in his face! “You'll probably need an AM-bulance after smelling that, hahahaha” Bo Abobo cackled as he then went after Williams Roy next, putting his hands up to challenge the Francophone to a fight. “You want a piece of me, you maple syrup-guzzling, driveway-shoveling, poutine-eating, toque-wearing, Frenchy” Bo taunted. “Then come and get it, eh. I will kick your polite ass all aboot this ice rink.” “I'm gonna keek your beeg fat ahss” Williams Roy sputtered angrily as he closed in on Bo Abobo. Well, Bo Abobo got the best of him and left Williams Roy a bloody mess and tossed him into the net along with Connor McBimmy. Next, those crazy Abobos got a hold of Rowper Richard, pinned him to the ice, and shaved off all his hair with an ice skate. Then they got their hands on Ranzou Robitaille, grabbed his jersey tie-down strap, pulled it between his legs and all the way up to his helmet, and tied it there. He got a super atomic wedgie from hell from the tie-down strap that day I can tell you. And finally they took Chin Yzerman, put ice skates on his hands, tied the laces to the skates on his feet to the skates on his hands into a gigantic knot, and pushed him around on the ice on all fours, laughing hysterically as they did so. In the end, those Abobos dumped all my teammates into the net, where they writhed and struggled to get free. “Looks like we got our own 'McBimm Trick'...or should I say, McDIMM Trick” Bo Abobo laughed. I stood there panicked on the ice as the Abobos finally turned toward me, big grins spreading across their faces as they closed in. “Uncle, uncle, uncle, UNCLE, UNCLE, UNNNNNNCCCCCCCLLLLLEEEE” I screamed loudly as I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable. Except...nothing happened. Not a noogie, wet willy, wedgie, not even a fart to the face. I slowly opened my eyes to see Bo Abobo standing before me as the other Abobos left the ice. “Our new boss doesn't like to see us lose” he growled as he jabbed a pudgy finger into my chest. “We won't be getting revenge on you personally today. We're saving that for the boss. You'll regret beating us at hockey. Smell ya later, Double Dork.” And with that, Bo Abobo left the hockey rink and I was left with helping my friends get out of the net.
When we got back into the locker room and the humility of our torture and bullying had subsided, I noticed that all of our snacks and chocolate milk were gone! Damn those stupid Abobos for eating everything once again! As I made my way over to my locker, I noticed a note stuck to the back of it with a knife. I removed the note and this is what it read:
Dear Billy Lee (or should I say Bimmy Lee),
I heard you beat my boys at ice hockey and I don't like that one bit! I especially don't like that I heard you were showboating like a fool the whole time. Playing air guitar, riding your hockey stick like a horse. What are you, like eight years old? And mooning my guys after the win, that's not cool at all. Your cocky and childish attitude needs to stop and I'm going to shut that shit down! You better watch your back because revenge will be mine. I will be lurking in the shadows, watching your every move, ready to strike when you least suspect it. When my revenge is complete, you will be sorry you ever crossed me.
S.M.
P.S. I told my boys to do whatever they wanted to your locker room. So, they clogged up your toilets, peed in your showers, stole all the laces out of your extra ice skates, melted down your pucks into a giant black rubber ball, broke all your hockey sticks, filled your gloves with shaving cream, stole all the pedals off your exercise bikes, drank all your Gatorade, peed in your showers a second time, ate a ton of asparagus and peed in your showers a third time, and took all the hockey trading cards in Connor McBimmy's locker.
Well, it didn't surprise me what the Abobos did to our locker room...again! Plugging up toilets, stealing stuff, breaking stuff, peeing on stuff, that's all the Abobos M.O. But that guy lied about our food! Those Abobos always eat our food as revenge. Suddenly, I heard voices behind me and I whipped around to see Mario and Luigi exiting our bathrooms. “Bimmy, it's a me, Mario” the fat Italian plumber answered. “We heard you were playing the Abobos at ice hockey today and decided to stop by after the match to check your toilets since those guys are always messing them up.” My eyes bugged out of my head when I saw Mario and Luigi eating our pizza rolls and jalapeno poppers and bagel bites. “Our snacks” was all I could mutter as I pointed at the Italian brothers with my jaw agape. Mario looked at the pizza roll in his hand, stuffed it in his mouth, and replied “Don't worry about paying us. These delicious snacks will suffice this time.” I stared on in blind awe as the two brothers left the locker room with our snacks. Just as Luigi stepped into the doorway, he sunk his teeth into a jalapeno popper and stopped. I could see his face turn red and sweat beginning to run down his cheek. “Mama Mia, that's a spicy meat-a-ball! Ow-wow-wow-wow-wow” Luigi shouted as he turned around and ran back into the locker room toward our drinking fountain. “Luigi, no” Mario shouted. “The Abobos peed in that fountain and we haven't cleaned it yet.” But it was too late, as Luigi was already sucking water out it like there was no tomorrow. Let me tell you, I've never seen someone do such a big spit-take in my life as Luigi did when he realized he was drinking from a water fountain that had been peed in.
Well, I guess that's all for this week. The score between Team Bimmy and Team Abobo is now 3-1 in our favor and we will savor every moment of our hockey win. But one last thing, who is this “S.M.” guy who wrote me the letter? What the heck does S and M stand for? Stupid Moron? Because that's what he is for threatening me. And who does he think he is saying he will get revenge? Please, buddy. You wouldn't know “revenge” if it walked up and spin kicked you in the face! I'm not worried about this guy at all. He won't get the best of me. And you know why? Because I'm the Bimmster! This S.M. guy, whoever he is, better watch out for me! Well, I better get going. Marian is taking me out to eat to this brand new Chinese restaurant in celebration of my ice hockey win against the Abobos. Man, I can't wait to sink my teeth into some eggrolls and a fortune cookie! Catch you guys next time!
